An Easter Story

 Galilee in the time of Jesus Christ… (rough translation from ancient scrolls)

“I am going to tell you about this wedding I went to, but please, serve me some wine first.”
Joseph of Naim loved wine, and Pontus served him some more of it. He had already had a few. This was surely to be a story of him being drunk! They would always have a good laugh with them, and he seemed in a good mood to tell this one; according to him, this story was different than any other.
And so Joseph started telling his story:

“I was invited for a wedding in Canaa. I really didn’t want to go! I know the father of the groom, and he is the cheapest man in all of Galilee! Not even for his children’s wedding will he serve any good food, he will water down the wine, which is already one of the cheapest... But… we are faraway relatives, and he had been at my sisters wedding. So I was obliged…"
"Nevertheless, the idea of going also gave me some amusement. I knew they would be thinking: 'oh no! Is Joseph of Naim coming!? Don’t you remember how he behaved at the last party!?'"
"Ha! I have always been the black sheep of the family, just because I like to have a good time!"

Joseph paused for a sip of wine and grinned: "In any case, I had no mayor expectations to this bore of a party, but thought I could take advantage and spend some time in Canaa, where I have some good drinking buddies."

"The wedding was nicely set up, as usual, and there were plenty of guests in the groom’s family’s house. We all sat down, and food was fine, although I couldn’t stop thinking about the cheap host. The wine was fine, but I immediately realized there wasn’t enough, and that we would run out."

"'Oh no!', I though, and tried to drink faster, so that I would be served again, and thus drink more than all others. I tell you my friends, that is years of drinking experience talking!"

"There were quite a few people at the party. I struck conversation with a friendly fellow called Andrew. Asking him what he did, he said he was a 'disciple'.
'A what!?'
'A disciple', he said. 'I follow my master Jesus of Nazareth and his teachings.'

"I just thought this was another nutcracker of those we are having so many of around here these days, but nevertheless I took a good liking to him, since he was keeping up quite up with me at drinking wine.
He told me that they were twelve disciples and I asked him what this Jesus did and so on, and he told me that he taught about love between all men.
I just thought, 'this is worse than I thought…'” 

"Anyway", Joseph continued as he asked for mote wine, "we kept chatting, making fun of the host and of the servants, while pouring wine down our throats. We were joined by another guy, whose name I hardly remember, but I think he was a cousin from Caesarea or something. A good drinker as well: he had brought his own goat-skin with half a firkin of excellent wine which he let us taste. Nevertheless, myself and my two drinking companions knew that the party was running out of wine, and even though it was early, I began to think that it would soon be time to leave the party and check out some of those rowdy local establishments in Canaa. You know how much I like travelling and seeing new places!"

"At one point one of those twelve disciples comes up to Andrew and tells him there is no more wine. He tells him that Maria (whom, I learned later is this Jesus of Nazareth’s mother. She is related to one of the newlyweds, and that is why they were invited) has told Jesus there is no wine, which apparently upset Jesus of Nazareth. He was now out in the back with the servants.
I just thought, 'sounds like a cool guy this Jesus fellow! I am upset as well!' Andrew got up with some difficulty, and asked me to come along to the back where Jesus was with the servants."

Joseph of Naim lit up as he described his meeting with Jesus of Nazareth: "I tell you one thing my friend: this Jesus of Nazareth is an incredible person! Strangely, you feel truly overwhelmed when you look at him. This was even so, as he was so upset. And I tell you, what I saw next I will never forget as long as I live":
"Jesus told the servants to take out some of the big stone pots. You know them; those pots with 4 firkins in each. There were six of the pots, and he ordered the servant to quickly fill them with water."
"I was a bit tipsy and was also helping out by giving orders to a couple of the servants: 'Yeah! And be quick with that water! Careful with the jar!', and so on." 

"You know me, I like making myself useful."

"Myself and my companion from Caesarea were giggling, while still sipping on the last of his wine from the goat skin, while Andrew was looking awfully serious. They filled up the pots with water, to the brim. I saw it! Nothing happened, and then Jesus told them to bring it out to the host.
I burst out in laughter. 'Ha! That cheap-ass will have himself a surprise with all that water!'
But Andrew looked at me, put a hand in one of the pots that were being carried out, and put it to my mouth. It was the most delicious wine I had ever tasted!
I tell you my friend, I stammered (and burped): 'but…. What…?' I had seen them put all the water in those pots!"

"We followed the servants out to the party, where the pots were placed in front of the host, and he was served some of the wine. He looked surprised, and asked why they were only bringing out the good wine now? Why they had not served the good wine first?"

"I am pretty sure that cheap-ass was just wondering who was paying for that delicious wine, and wishing he had had the opportunity to keep it to himself."

"The party really got started! I tell you my friend, I dug into that delicious wine with my friend from Caesarea, as if this was the last wine in the world. We loved it! And made from water! I still couldn’t believe it! I went up to Andrew, and asked him if his master his master was available for bachelor parties or other events, as I would be interested in hiring him."

"Andrew was a nice guy, and he smiled politely and said cheers in the delicious wine, while he told me that I should just remember what I had seen. I told him honestly 'I will never forget this! Well… I don’t promise I will remember the whole evening…' "

Joseph laughed heartily.

"You get it my friend? I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever said, but Andrew didn’t crack up. I guess when you are in the disciple business, you have to refrain from going too crazy, since Andrew kind of kept back on the wine (although he can probably get it every day)."

"As the night wore on everybody got more and more drunk, not least myself. You know how I like a party! My friend and I started a drinking conquest: down a quarter firkin, and then turn around yourself 10 times, and then down another half. Many were up for it, and we started off well. Nevertheless, at one point this bore of a guy came up to us and told us to keep it down and relax a bit. I just told him to mind his own business and pushed him away. I looked at him angrily, and I was pretty ready for a good fight, when my friend Andrew came by and dragged the guy away telling him, 'Judas Iskariot, don’t do this'.  Apparently, he was another of the disciples of Jesus of Nazareth, some of whom were obviously donkeys!
The drinking conquest continued just until the groom’s little brother threw up, and his grandmother dragged him away. Ha ha! The old lady looked with reproach at me!" 

“He has got to learn to drink sometime!', I shouted at her."

"After taking a huge piss during which I tried to write my name in the sand (I am so good at that you know, when it is in Latin), me and my friend from Caesarea then stood on the table arm in arm, and started to sing; well, firstly, I gave a speech." 

"You know my friend, that I have always been a great public speaker: I started by making a toast to the bride and groom: 'he will surely get to use the snake tonight!' and we all laughed (well, maybe mostly myself…).
We then sang one of the long songs: you know the one with 'more wine, more tits and less talk'!? Oh! I love that song! It didn’t catch on well though, and at one point the host asked us to step down from the table.
After my sixteenth refill, I thought we would have to thank the host, and shouted out: 'I think we need to cheer our greeeaaat host who has given us this night to never forget (most of it)! Cheers!'
People just cheered quietly, and then my friend from Caesarea shouted out, 'and Jesus of Nazareth!'"

"He was right! I shouted out 'A big cheer to Jesus of Nazareth and his disciples! May they continue giving their best to us all!'
My friend from Caesarea just shouted “heard!” and started cheering 'Jeeesus, Jeeeesus, Jeeesus!', and I joined him in cheering on the wine-maker from Nazareth.I don’t think this last part of my speech came out well with Jesus of Nazareth himself. But I really felt I needed to express my appreciation!"

"I wanted to thank Jesus of Nazareth personally, and even maybe ask if he had ever considered going into business. He was obviously an extremely talented man!"

"However, I was so overwhelmed by his presence, that I couldn’t get myself to go up and ask him. I don’t know. I have never been shy, but I tell you my friend.... There was something…. something amazing about that man. As if he was too large for all of us, even for me! I am sure it is not the last we have heard of him. Not only because of the wine, but I will always have his look burned into my mind."

"Now, my friend from Caesarea was not that shy: he was totally drunk when he filled up his goat-skin with water and went up to Jesus and said: 'can you make me a refill?',and as he burped lightly, Jesus looked at him seriously, just nodded, and signaled for him to go. At this point the party was ending, people were tiredly leaving, and I also decided that this was the time to leave. I said my goodbyes, among them to Andrew, the disciple: 'remember what I told you!', he said, and I could just repeat that I would never forget that day, and I had to promise to at least try to listen up on Jesus of Nazareth’s teachings, and all that..." 

"I got hold of my friend from Caesarea and asked him to come along into Canaa. Of course, he was ready, and we left cheerily down the road, singing songs praising Jesus and having good-ole burping contests.
After a while, we sat under a tree, and brought out the goat-skin which Jesus had just made into wine for my friend.
He took the first sip and spit it out immediately. 'Let me try', I said, and I also spit it. 'It’s pure vinegar!'
We looked worried at each other but then burst out laughing!" 

“This Jesus is truly great!!! He has a sense of humour as well!!!”

"We got up and continued into a drinking spree in the town, and merrily telling how we would have done the exact same thing ourselves. Jesus of Nazareth was an unforgettable fellow!”

Pontus and the others were impressed by this story as they ordered more wine. It was surely not as any other story Joseph of Naim had told before. Some of us had already heard about this Jesus of Nazareth. He was going around Galilee preaching. But this was surely the most impressive story they had heard!